Life after Loss

Henry & Merryn

Henry & Merryn

Things have been a little quiet on this blog lately. I’ve been trying to write something for months but with the birth of our second child, Henry’s little sister Merryn, earlier this year I haven’t known where to start. When I was pregnant with Henry […]

Unbecome

Unbecome

Do you think I unbecame a mother when my baby died? At what moment was my title removed? With my child’s last breath? The last beat of his heart?When the doctor called his death? While I held my child’s cold still body, when I dressed […]

Our First Year

Our First Year

Heading into 2019 the grief that carried us into 2018 is still very much there, still quite raw, ever present bubbling away below the surface but whereas last year it contained mainly sadness and pain it is now softened slightly by the happy memories we have made during this first year as a family of three, memories of the ways Henry has been remembered and celebrated and included and the love that has surrounded our family and bound us together. In 2019 we will meet Henry’s sibling and begin our life as a family of four; this will be the start of another parenting journey, hopefully a slightly different one where we get to parent a living child alongside Henry. Henry’s death and his physical absence is a massive crack in our family, and always will be, but he is the light that shines through that crack and he is the reason we have survived our first year as parents. 2017 was definitely his year but 2018 has been his too and so 2019 also will be.

There is no going back

During a conversation with a friend a little while ago while talking about normal inconsequential things the conversation turned to pets, my friend commented that if we were going to get a dog this time now before children would be the best time to do […]

Sunrise & worry

Sunrise & worry

I’ve just watched the sun rise. I didn’t mean to but as I lay awake in bed watching the room steadily lightening I gave up sleep as a lost cause and went to watch the new day in. One quirk of our home is that […]

Half truths

Half truths

I am becoming an expert in not quite telling the whole truth. When Henry died I promised him I would never deny his existence. I absolutely love sharing him with the world and am so, so proud of him but sometimes I can’t face telling people he’s […]

Six months: a letter to myself

Six months: a letter to myself

I can’t quite get my head around the fact that today is exactly six months since Henry’s birth and death. My arms ache to hold my six-month-old baby. I can’t even imagine what he’d look like now, he’d no longer be the small, scrunched up […]

Why swimming?

Why swimming?

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim, swim– Dory, finding Nemo.   If you’re here you probably already know I’m swimming the distance of the English Channel in my local pool to raise money for […]

Seasons Change

Seasons Change

Heading back into summer feels weird. I feel weird. I didn’t anticipate how the start of British Summer Time or spring would make me feel. The usual ‘shit, this is still my reality’ punch to the stomach feeling, but also a glimmer of something else, hope […]

I have a son

I have a son

Hey World, it’s Henry’s mum, I’ve spent the past two days learning how to use WordPress to make a pretty website and blog. I wanted to start by sharing Henry’s story but have developed a block and can’t. Sometimes I want to talk about it […]