Henry & Merryn

Things have been a little quiet on this blog lately. I’ve been trying to write something for months but with the birth of our second child, Henry’s little sister Merryn, earlier this year I haven’t known where to start.

When I was pregnant with Henry I didn’t plan to put much about him publicly online, it was only after he died I felt compelled to share him, his name, photos, details of his short life, I needed him to have a presence and it’s online I’ve been able to create some space for him. I thought I’d try keep this online space as just Henry’s, yet every time I’ve put fingers to keyboard these past few months, intending to write about just him I’ve found myself stuck; I cannot talk about one of my children and not the other. The experience of parenting Henry and Merryn is so vastly different it sometimes feels like two different motherhoods, but when it comes down to it, it is just the one. Having had Henry first impacts how I am with Merryn in almost every way, and having Merryn here alive and getting to do more normal parenting things hasn’t stopped me still being a bereaved parent. I am their mother, both of them.

So I’m still trying to figure out where to strike a balance about what to share about Merryn, how to share details of being her’s and Henry’s mother in a way I’m comfortable with, because I still want to. There is a taboo around child loss and that won’t be broken if those of us who want to talk don’t. I want to keep the focus of this online space on Henry and the impact his life has had on us but sometimes this will mean talking about Merryn; I think that’s just a reality of parenting a living child after loss, I’ll always have new stories about her, but I hope the way is which Henry continues to influence our lives and who I am as a parent shines through in these stories though.

So I hope this post is the start of documenting the next chapter in this parenting journey, being a bereaved parent of two, one living and one not.