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Our First Year

Our First Year

Heading into 2019 the grief that carried us into 2018 is still very much there, still quite raw, ever present bubbling away below the surface but whereas last year it contained mainly sadness and pain it is now softened slightly by the happy memories we have made during this first year as a family of three, memories of the ways Henry has been remembered and celebrated and included and the love that has surrounded our family and bound us together. In 2019 we will meet Henry’s sibling and begin our life as a family of four; this will be the start of another parenting journey, hopefully a slightly different one where we get to parent a living child alongside Henry. Henry’s death and his physical absence is a massive crack in our family, and always will be, but he is the light that shines through that crack and he is the reason we have survived our first year as parents. 2017 was definitely his year but 2018 has been his too and so 2019 also will be.

Capture your Grief 2018: Days 1-7

Capture your Grief 2018: Days 1-7

During October I took part in Capture your Grief, a worldwide 31 day photo project to help bereaved parents mindfully explore their grief. I wrote something most days and posted to Instagram on about half the days. Here are some of my thoughts around the […]

There is no going back

During a conversation with a friend a little while ago while talking about normal inconsequential things the conversation turned to pets, my friend commented that if we were going to get a dog this time now before children would be the best time to do […]

I am that orca

I am that orca

    It isn’t often the subject of baby loss makes high profile news but this week the story of a mother orca carrying her dead calf for several days has been shared extensively on social media and by news outlets across the world. The […]

#FindingTheWords

#FindingTheWords

June is Sands awareness month and this year’s focus is on #FindingTheWords to break the silence around baby loss by encouraging everyone to sensitively start a conversation with somebody whose baby has died, however long ago. It takes courage to start a difficult conversation and the […]

Sunrise & worry

Sunrise & worry

I’ve just watched the sun rise. I didn’t mean to but as I lay awake in bed watching the room steadily lightening I gave up sleep as a lost cause and went to watch the new day in. One quirk of our home is that […]

Half truths

Half truths

I am becoming an expert in not quite telling the whole truth. When Henry died I promised him I would never deny his existence. I absolutely love sharing him with the world and am so, so proud of him but sometimes I can’t face telling people he’s […]

Six months: a letter to myself

Six months: a letter to myself

I can’t quite get my head around the fact that today is exactly six months since Henry’s birth and death. My arms ache to hold my six-month-old baby. I can’t even imagine what he’d look like now, he’d no longer be the small, scrunched up […]

Why swimming?

Why swimming?

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim, swim– Dory, finding Nemo.   If you’re here you probably already know I’m swimming the distance of the English Channel in my local pool to raise money for […]

Seasons Change

Seasons Change

Heading back into summer feels weird. I feel weird. I didn’t anticipate how the start of British Summer Time or spring would make me feel. The usual ‘shit, this is still my reality’ punch to the stomach feeling, but also a glimmer of something else, hope […]